My coming out story was very, very, underwhelming but also very powerful.
Most people believe that they are going to get rainbows and bells ringing when they finally say what they have been wanting to for ages. But I knew exactly what people were going to say ‘we already knew’
I am camp. Not that if you would meet me in real life you would instantly know I was gay, I could be just a very camp straight guy. But the fact is, I am not. I am as gay as they come. I am not saying that camp equates to gay, but it does for myself. I am both camp and very gay.
When I came out, I came out to my mum first (I was more scared of my dad’s reaction). I sat her down, I had wanted to do it for years, tell her. Get it out into the open, but each time I had even the slightest bit of opportunity, I crumbled and said things that I really did not want to in order to keep my ‘secret’ from coming out, when all I wanted it to be was out into the open.
When I finally said it, I was elated. Scared, but elated that I had finally said it. There was no going back now, that was what scared me. She was fine, perfectly fine. I had expected her to be, there was no reason why she wouldn’t, and we had other people in the family who were gay or lesbian, even transgender, so I had no worries.
She hugged me and told me she loved me and that whatever I was, I would always be her son. Which made me feel proud of myself for coming out. I had a boyfriend at the time and let her know who he was (more on that in another post). And I went to bed, nothing had changed, no bells ringing, no confetti, no rainbow. Just myself, and you know what, I was happy enough with that. I still had a roof over my head, a family who loves me, I had more than others in my situation. I could not complain.
We told my dad the next day, I was so nervous, so scared, so… anxious, those three words pretty much mean the same, but it was how I felt, I could not put a word to it. And when I was stood in front of him to tell him (my mum and dad are divorced) he already knew what I was going to say, but just wanted me to say it. When I did, he broke down and hugged me, told me he was proud of me and that was that. Again, no difference. Nothing, I was still me, I was just out in the open, no more lies. Nothing at all. I could finally be myself.
And god, have I. Though, I have never been to gay pride, I do not like crowds, and I always pride myself on my identity every day. I may go to a gay pride one day, but that will be on my own terms. I have now been out for 5 years and I could not be happier with who I am and what I am doing in life.
Whilst I wish I had come out sooner, there were a few things I wish I could change, I am happy now in the knowledge that I never have to hide who I am ever again, not that I really have too… I think the camp mannerisms and my voice alone gives off the impression that I am who I am.
Thank you so much for reading,